Surviving family during the holidays

I truly love my family-  the loud laughter while we eat, home-cooked meals, the familiarity-but I take my family in doses like a prescription. “Family time in doses” means that I plan my trips to spend just enough time to heal from missing them by remembering how much I love them and just enough time to leave before we begin to realize that I am an adult with different perspectives on a lot of things and we get sick of asking critiquing every detail of life.

I thought I was alone on this “family dose” lifestyle, until my friends began to talk about how they give themselves a time limit with their biological family. Since most of us are about to get on a flight/bus/boat/train/Frontier/Spirit makeshift airlines to spend the holidays with our (or someone else’s) family, I pulled a couple of my millennial friends and a licensed therapist to talk about how to deal with families because we deserve to have the holiday with our mental health in peace not in pieces. Throughout the holidays when you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself these questions:

Are You Stuck?

Maybe it’s because you are now paying bills in your own crib or the fact that you are now an adult with responsibilities, but at some point, we realize that we don’t do a lot of things like your family anymore. For some of us, we don’t believe the same things that our families believe (and taught us to believe), and all of a sudden, you feel like a stranger among the people you’ve known your entire life. Before you blow up, have an exit strategy- somewhere to get some space or to meditate (highly recommend). For me, I always packed a pair of running sneakers on my trip and that was my strategy-to go for a run. Another interviewee always has Talkspace handy to talk to a mobile therapist as soon as things begin to get uncomfortable. Think about the activity that calms you down that you can do outside the vicinity of this unwelcome moment and prepare for it. You can grow in a different direction from your family members and that is ok, it is the love that holds the family bond.

Are You Silent?

Silence does not mean respect anymore. However, before you start huffing and screaming at the dinner, think about the most effective way to communicate instead of pointless conversation about 40 decibels where everyone just wants to add volume and no value to the conversation. When you get the disrespectful questions (“when are you getting a real job?”) or the condescending questions (“why can’t you be more like *points to Dr. Cousin A who no one knows if they’re even practicing medicine*) or you’re the only one at the table who doesn’t believe in “alternate facts”, think about the possible effects of the potential conversation. If they personally disrespect you or your guest, you need to speak in clear, non abusive tone about why it’s wrong. However, if it’s a situation where they think the earth is flat, you can let them try to find the corner. Pick and choose the battles that affect you personally, no one wants to argue for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Are You Staying?

Chances are that if you’re reading this, you have some kinks with your family or don’t agree with them on all things which are both very normal. Have a set timeline to chuck the deuces aka to bounce aka to leave. We would all love to be in the happy family where everyone genuinely  knows, supports and accepts each other but that is not always the case and this isn’t Red Table Talk so protect your energy and say goodbye before the third argument. This is not the time to stay for a week and a half if you’re already thinking about how you’re going to hide every part of your identity from your family. Faking it till you make it won’t work with family, because faking it with people you love and care about is just painful. Cut the trip short and take the family time in doses.

Are You Going?

The joy of living away from your family is that all it takes is one awkward phone call to say that you are not coming. They can try it, but no one can force you to come to y We tend to believe that we owe our families our presence, but the truth is that we don’t. If staying with your family is your trigger for any type of breakdown or stress, maybe you can sit a year out until you know that you can face everyone without undoing the work you have been doing on your personal growth. You can always take a solo trip and be stress free.

The holidays should not be a time for you to defend yourself 24/7. You are not obligated to the family that you are born into-you can always choose to spend the holidays with a family of friends that accept you. If you do choose the family you’re born into, your silence will not save you and neither will your resignation to their will. We are all growing and we will not love every single part of each other, but the very bare minimum you can expect from all members of your family is respect. Trust me, you won’t ruin anyone’s dinner by standing up for yourself (just make sure that you’re doing your self-reflection and you are not the problem first).

I wish you a holiday filled with seasoned food and loud, genuine laughter.

PS: The only Christopher we recognize this holiday season is Wallace.